Take this CoComelon Quiz to find out which character you are. We update the quiz regularly and it’s the most accurate among the other quizzes.
When you think of Netflix, you might think of immovable cultural artifacts such as Friends, beloved original creations such as Stranger Things, or bizarrely ratified lockdown classics such as Tiger King. And yet, one of the most popular Netflix shows, probably ever, is one you may be unaware of. Cocomelon is the name of the show, ladies and gentlemen.
According to Forbes, Cocomelon recently set a record by remaining in Netflix’s top ten most-watched episodes for 62 consecutive days. That’s longer than the duration of Avatar: The Last Airbender. It’s a little longer than Ozark. It is longer than Tiger King, The Umbrella Academy, and Love is Blindly combined. So, what exactly is this Cocomelon? A respected drama that takes an honest look at a significant societal issue? A trashy reality program about a shopping center concession stand? A true-crime documentary about a serial killer only known as The Cocomelon Killer? Also, you must try to play this Cocomelon Quiz.
No, it does not. It’s a children’s show. And, to put it mildly, that’s an exaggeration. Cocomelon is, in fact, a collection of three-hour-long nursery rhyme compilations. The first episode, Cocomelon Sing-Alongs: Playdate With JJ, starts with the song “First Day at School.” A CGI toddler (think Pixar via a crippling radiation leak) expresses anxiety about beginning school over a melody pitched somewhere between Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and This Old Man He Played One. His family constantly drills him on what he has to take, what he needs to do, and the precise amount of emotion he should be experiencing. He attends school. It’s all right. The song concludes. Three minutes have gone by. Another 57 are still missing.
Look, CoComelon isn’t the kind of item that holds up well under investigation. It’s syrupy, basic, and repetitious, and, unless you have a very specific type of hangover, it’s not meant to be seen by adults at all. Some songs are truly awful to listen to, such as Father and Sons Day, in which the toddler does sit-ups with a formaldehyde Rob Lowe figurine. However, guess what? They are not suitable for you.
But if you’re a preschooler, this stuff is like crack. The Cocomelon you see on Netflix is actually an edited highlights reel of its YouTube channel, which has 82 billion views and a $120 million yearly ad revenue. And it was on YouTube that I first learned about Cocomelon. My kids, who were between the ages of one and three, devoured this stuff. It didn’t matter that the characters drifted around weightlessly as if shot in the back with a tranquilizer dart. It made no difference if several of the songs followed the same twisted dream logic as a David Lynch film. It didn’t matter that every second of every song was pitched with the kind of persistent unblinking surface-level delight that seemed to compensate for some deep-set irreversible psychic damage.
About the quiz
The key to Cocomelon’s success isn’t that it’s good; no entity this driven to pump a continuous supply of Johnny Walker is. Johnny Yes, Papa, deviations in an already worried world may ever be considered beneficial. The secret to its success, though, is that it is just about reliable enough. YouTube, particularly kid’s YouTube, is a terrible wasteland. Unless you tread very carefully, you may end up watching hideous text-to-speech abominations, Numberblocks compilations in which all of the Numberblocks swear, or – and this is from personal experience – a thankfully now-deleted Paw Patrol tribute cartoon in which Chase was electrocuted and tortured.
But with Cocomelon, you know exactly what you’re getting: a collection of inoffensive, if slightly unnerving, tunes that continue on and on and on for long enough to allow you to sneak away and cook supper. It’s the preschool equivalent of a mindfulness app, a white noise machine, or a fairground hypnotist who appears pleasant enough to look after your kids while you go potty. And it’s for this reason that Cocomelon is performing so well on Netflix. It’s not because people enjoy it. It’s because it’s a dependable enough stand-in when a parent needs to go do a poo alone for the first time in their godforsaken existence.