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It’s easy to doubt your own libido in a culture obsessed with sex, hookups, and Tinder. Is it set too low? Is it too high? Is that correct? Is it normal to think about sex all the time?
Don’t worry, you’re probably fine. According to Bradley Anawalt, M.D., an endocrinologist who specializes in low testosterone and male fertility, sex drive is a spectrum, which means there is no universal “normal” when it comes to how frequently someone wants to have sex.
“Doctors struggle enough to define a normal sexual activity,” Anawalt says, “so it would be impossible to say someone has a normal or abnormal sex drive, except perhaps on extremes.”
On the one hand, he means the absence of any sexual desire—and not because someone is asexual. On the other end of the spectrum, there is sex addiction, though some experts argue that there is insufficient evidence to classify compulsive or hyperactive sexual behavior as an addiction.
Some people may desire sex several times per week. Others, no more than once a month. Variation is normal, according to Anawalt, because sex drive is influenced by a variety of factors, not just hormones. Also, you must try to play this How Sexual Are You Quiz.
How Sexual Are You Quiz
Even if you don’t want to have sex all the time, you may find yourself thinking about it. Millennials are said to have invented hookup culture, but they have less sex than previous generations. But that doesn’t mean they’re not thinking about it—they are. According to Anawalt, most people still think about sex on a daily basis.
“Sex drive may decline as you get older, but it does not disappear completely,” he says.
Anawalt believes that your libido is only a problem if you are unhappy with it. If you believe you have a low libido (or a high libido) and are bothered by it, you should consult a doctor. (Or if your partner is complaining about your lack of enthusiasm, which has brought more than one patient to Anawalt’s office in the past.)
Stereotypes about libido
Let’s get one thing straight: Men don’t want sex at significantly higher rates than women. In general, men and women think about sex about the same amount, though individual thought processes obviously differ.
The true difference, according to Anawalt, is in how people define sex. Men commonly define the act using a formula: erection, orgasm, and ejaculation. Women’s definitions are broader, in part because most women lack the same types of visual cues for sexual arousal as men.
Even so, research shows that there isn’t as strong a link between sexual desire and sexual arousal in women. Women can be sexually aroused without wanting to have sex, and men can be sexually aroused without wanting to have sex.
According to Anawalt, men are also more visual when it comes to sex. Despite the fact that visual sexual stimuli activate the same neural network in both men’s and women’s brains, men’s brains respond more strongly.
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Hormonal influence…or not
Testosterone, estrogen, and oxytocin are three hormones that are linked to sexual interest. Contrary to popular belief, testosterone is not just for men and estrogen is only for women.
Testosterone increases a person’s desire for sex; however, in men, it must be converted into estrogen by the body in order to have its full effect, according to Anawalt. Estrogen is also important for women because it prevents vaginal dryness, which can be painful during sex. Oxytocin is known as the “cuddle hormone” because it causes you to want to physically connect with someone after sex rather than looking for the door.
Interestingly, hormones alone are not as powerful in determining libido as we commonly believe.
“Hormones are only a small part of sex drive,” Anawalt says.
What factors have a significant impact on libido? Actually, pretty much anything else.
Past experiences (good or bad), the availability of a willing sexual partner, physical and mental health, the stage of your relationship—all of these factors, and more, can influence someone’s libido, according to Anawalt.
Medications, according to Anawalt, can have a particularly potent effect. Antidepressants inhibit the brain’s resorption of serotonin and dopamine, two neurotransmitters involved in libido. People on Parkinson’s disease medication, on the other hand, maybe more interested in sex because the dopamine in their brain is constantly replenished, according to Anawalt.